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First of all...hi. lol It's been a long time.
Now. I was sitting here thinking on my current state of mind. The understanding or seemingly, acceptance...that I'm single and shall remain that way for a long time. Maybe even forever.
I told my sister today that I simply don't see myself being in a relationship. In my 39 years, not ONE relationship was substantially good for a prolonged period of time. You know? How folks get in a relationship and have some good years and then something happens or just time passes and shit changes? Nope. Either the trouble began early in small, nagging ways...or it started out on the wrong foot...a few months into it. The endings...always the kind that leave a mark. I've never really had one guy leave right...if there is such a thing. I DO know that once they've left...they're gone. That's a good thing, I've deduced...because I don't need no fool coming back and lying about how he's changed when he really just misses the sex or the mind fuck or whatever.
Anyway...as I was having these thoughts...they got deeper. I began to think on the sexual end of things (hence, why I've taken to blogging this under Passion's Fruit and not the Kaleidoscope). I realized that not only don't I want a dude that's possibly gonna start lying, cheating, trying to change and/or control me...but, I don't wanna have sex with anyone. Not really. If I could get it where it was straight sex and no strings, I STILL wouldn't want it. I don't want to relearn someone's body, someone's likes and dislikes. I don't want the pressure of having to be a sexual acrobat, a head-ologist, a kinky dominatrix, a nympho, etc. I don't want to have to accommodate his package's slight with the tightness of my muscles. I don't wanna have to tell him he sucks...or can't. O_O I don't want to have to deal with someone who can't kiss, or doesn't know that I like extra attention paid to my breasts. I don't want to have to learn to like the taste of him, or deal with taco meat, or a number of other nuances that take place in the bedroom.
I feel totally over the concept of being connected to another body or soul. I don't want to talk dirty, I don't wanna dress sexy for him, I don't want to worry if my hair looks nice, I don't want to deal with if I should poot around him yet, or smell his dutch ovens...I don't wanna!
To think...ME..."Kween of Love"...is over it. The woman who used to dream of love, marriage, children, the home, the solid union with her best friend...her being his freak and his only...is over it. I couldn't give an iota of a fuck about a dude right now. Don't get me wrong. I'm nice to guys. Guys smile and say hi...I smile and say hi back. I'll even flirt. I just don't need anything past that. I don't know if that's a good thing...that I'm happy being free of that responsibility...but, it's how I feel. I love being single and not having to worry about what he's doing, with whom and where. I want to be free of that. I LOVE being free of that. All of the details of Facebook status, rings, moving in, blah blah blah! I don't need it.
I suppose, that if it's meant...I mean God says, "Here my child...he is for YOU and you only." it'll be done. Unless I miss that opportunity by feeling how I do currently. ::shrugs::
Whoever he is...has to be AMAZING enough to reach me where I am. Until then, I'm happy with friends and family and just being blessed in the day to day. Maybe it's a good thing that I've lost sight of the "dream"...because maybe then, when it's my time...the dream will be a reality that I couldn't have ever asked for or envisioned.
Until then...I don't wanna.
