What The Internet Taught Me

The pic that got me into inbox trouble recently

I was kicking around my kitchen this morning...making pancakes and coffee. As usual, this is when my mind starts clicking...well, my mind is ALWAYS clicking...but, there are triggers for moments when I get my best ideas. Showering is one (I talk in the shower, shhh don't tell nobody). Walking is another. I KNOW someone has looked at me and prayed to God I had a Bluetooth piece in my ear. lol ...the others are cooking and cleaning. Today it was both...

As I washed dishes to prepare my breakfast...it hit me out of nowhere. Meaning...before this thought, there was no provocation for me to be in thought about love and relationships. It's the fault of my Ascendant's influence...that dang planet Uranus with it's flashes of ideas and inspiration.

I realized that back when I first made my entry onto the Internet...it was about 2001. I was in the tail-end of a relationship that was emotionally, verbally, mentally...abusive all around. I was home with family by 2002. In 2001...I did the basics. I researched fun things, educational things, trivia and facts. I interacted in the occasional chat room, but mostly just IM with family and friends. My TRUE entry into the social media scene was around 2004/2005. I began interacting with people via AOL...and then eventually, MySpace.

MySpace...the place where I learned how to post graphics on people's pages in lieu of greetings. The place where I learned about relationship drama. The place where I learned to "blog" in the way of posting my thoughts. Then there was Yahoo 360...a now defunct social site that truly brought out the blogger in me. It's where I shared my poetry, my feelings, where I began writing erotica and where I fell in love. By then...it was 2006 and I'd already experienced an Internet loon...who was being two people. One with me and one with my own sister. At some point, he became harassing and we even wondered if he was as far away as he said he was. ::shivers::

I began mixing my pancake batter. I'd already begun making my coffee and the griddle was heating. I was whisking and talking aloud. "That is where I learned to share myself blindly...no thought process as to whether the person was trustworthy. Just e-sharing myself with potential lunatics..."

I began to see a lot of what has become commonplace in this age of fast and blind information. I saw how even though the Internet has played Cupid successfully, and even brought people their best friends and reunions with long-lost family...it's flip side is dark and precarious.

I realized that because "meeting" someone has changed from bumping into them in the store...to bypassing someone in conversation on a mutual friend's Facebook page...we're disconnected. Even while connecting...we're disconnected. We're desensitized to the concept of intimacy and tangibility. Tangibility, believe it or not is a factor in personal responsibility and accountability. If someone doesn't see someone in their daily brick and mortar...they at times can dismiss them callously without considering their impact. I've done it. I'm sure I have. It's inevitable that whilst on this "thing"...we learn to "delete" and "block" instead of confront and deal. We learn to text body shots and body parts...instead of being in someone's personal space and allowing someone to undress you properly. We learn to require proof, that someone is who they say they are...but, also require videos and cam shows to sate our instant desires. Sometimes without properly introducing ourselves and figuring out who someone is on the inside. If they have body issues or not. If they're religious and against such shows of physicality. Before knowing someone...we've already required pics, vids and cam time. I also realized that I came into the discovery of social media at a very tender time in my life. The last place a formerly abused woman, still working on building up her self-esteem, love and worth needed to be...was on the Internet. Bouncing, flailing and struggling in the shark-infested waters of booty call central. Where people can pretend to be whomever they like. Where they can pretend to have what it takes to love you...or hell, even visit you. I shouldn't have been here then...but, then that's not true. I was exactly where I needed to be to learn the lessons I did. It was either then or now. I'm glad it was then.

I was in the middle of plating my pancakes...butter sliding off, as I chased it with my fork's tines. I smell my coffee awaiting me and I am glad that I'm in the place I am. I'm grateful that I found my way BACK to being the woman who doesn't easily cave into a man's requests anymore. I did once. I thought that's what we do online. We get to know each other through the distance by giving each other something "to tide us over" until we meet. I've met no one. Not really. The ones I loved, I've never seen. Guess what? They preferred tangibility over the intangible infatuation attached to the idea of who I may be to them. I'm not even mad [anymore], but as I navigate my way out of my 30's and stand on the precipice of 40...I understand who I am in totality.

I sit here...pancakes gone, coffee cold and typing this...proud that I sent that dude from yesterday OUT of my damn inbox. He befriended me a few weeks ago because our mutual friend shared my pic on her page. I was bombarded with all of the "OMG you're so beautifuls" "GOOD LORD...what it must feel like to lie in your arms"...and I cringed. I cringed in embarrassment for him...that he was doing what he'd learned to do via the Internet. The place where you're asked perpetually, "What's on your mind?". The place where you can commentate willy-nilly on people's lives, looks and likes without considering if your opinion is asked, required or respected.

I felt badly for him for that SPLIT second before I told his ass that I don't do videos or pics...especially for someone I don't know. I also nicely asked him to speak to me using my name and not "baby", "dear", or any other term of endearment...for he SURELY cannot be endeared to me simply because he thinks I'm beautiful.

What the Internet taught me...is that just because everyone's doing it and it's socially and widely acceptable...doesn't mean you should do it. It doesn't work for everyone. I'm a woman who requires touch, consideration, respect and who longs to be cherished by someone who couldn't care less about my online persona. I've learned, that I could teach the Internet a thing or two. ;)

I also realized...the thoughts didn't come from "nowhere". It was sitting right there...underneath my skin like a rash. I'm glad I could get it out. Sheesh. I can relax now. lol

I Don't Wanna

First of all...hi. lol It's been a long time.

Now. I was sitting here thinking on my current state of mind. The understanding or seemingly, acceptance...that I'm single and shall remain that way for a long time. Maybe even forever.

I told my sister today that I simply don't see myself being in a relationship. In my 39 years, not ONE relationship was substantially good for a prolonged period of time. You know? How folks get in a relationship and have some good years and then something happens or just time passes and shit changes? Nope. Either the trouble began early in small, nagging ways...or it started out on the wrong foot...a few months into it. The endings...always the kind that leave a mark. I've never really had one guy leave right...if there is such a thing. I DO know that once they've left...they're gone. That's a good thing, I've deduced...because I don't need no fool coming back and lying about how he's changed when he really just misses the sex or the mind fuck or whatever.

Anyway...as I was having these thoughts...they got deeper. I began to think on the sexual end of things (hence, why I've taken to blogging this under Passion's Fruit and not the Kaleidoscope). I realized that not only don't I want a dude that's possibly gonna start lying, cheating, trying to change and/or control me...but, I don't wanna have sex with anyone. Not really. If I could get it where it was straight sex and no strings, I STILL wouldn't want it. I don't want to relearn someone's body, someone's likes and dislikes. I don't want the pressure of having to be a sexual acrobat, a head-ologist, a kinky dominatrix, a nympho, etc. I don't want to have to accommodate his package's slight with the tightness of my muscles. I don't wanna have to tell him he sucks...or can't. O_O I don't want to have to deal with someone who can't kiss, or doesn't know that I like extra attention paid to my breasts. I don't want to have to learn to like the taste of him, or deal with taco meat, or a number of other nuances that take place in the bedroom.

I feel totally over the concept of being connected to another body or soul. I don't want to talk dirty, I don't wanna dress sexy for him, I don't want to worry if my hair looks nice, I don't want to deal with if I should poot around him yet, or smell his dutch ovens...I don't wanna!

To think...ME..."Kween of Love"...is over it. The woman who used to dream of love, marriage, children, the home, the solid union with her best friend...her being his freak and his only...is over it. I couldn't give an iota of a fuck about a dude right now. Don't get me wrong. I'm nice to guys. Guys smile and say hi...I smile and say hi back. I'll even flirt. I just don't need anything past that. I don't know if that's a good thing...that I'm happy being free of that responsibility...but, it's how I feel. I love being single and not having to worry about what he's doing, with whom and where. I want to be free of that. I LOVE being free of that. All of the details of Facebook status, rings, moving in, blah blah blah! I don't need it.

I suppose, that if it's meant...I mean God says, "Here my child...he is for YOU and you only." it'll be done. Unless I miss that opportunity by feeling how I do currently. ::shrugs::

Whoever he is...has to be AMAZING enough to reach me where I am. Until then, I'm happy with friends and family and just being blessed in the day to day. Maybe it's a good thing that I've lost sight of the "dream"...because maybe then, when it's my time...the dream will be a reality that I couldn't have ever asked for or envisioned.

Until then...I don't wanna.

27~ Kween Only!

Really, Dude?

Your man/woman likes to have sex with the same sex. Are you willing to invite this into your bedroom? Why?

Just like when speaking of Day 16's Orgy, 17's Man on Man Surprise and 22's Swing Set Iownflowlikedat...

See, I'm a modern chick, with conventionalism, traditionalism and selfish~ism combined. LOL I don't want to SHARE my man and I don't think that stuff belongs in the bedroom of a committed couple. Just like I said before, I totally respect OTHER people's willingness to share partners, swap, get orgy-fied and what not...but, I'm not made for that.

See, I'm a lover...AND a fighter. I could see shit getting tight. Either myself or one of the other parties are gonna have a problem. When two people bond and then someone comes in and threatens, infiltrates, or brings to the surface...desires that someone didn't even know they had...it's trouble. The relationship can enhance or it can die a quick/slow death...depending on who is involved.

I've had a hard enough time with relationships as is...I'm not putting myself into the position of bringing unnecessary and unforeseen drama to my situation. Life does that for me already.

Another thing...

I don't know that I could believe that I'd have the same respect for my man who likes men. I don't give a sword-fighting FUCK what no one else says...the moment two men get together...they become gay in perception. Women get away with liking the same sex because most men think it's sexy. It's a LOT of mens' fantasies. There WAS a time when a stigma was carried around with women who were BI or Lesbian, but right about now a lot of men would PRAY that their women wanted to bring another Eve to the situation. Yet, I don't know too many women who crave their man to fuck another...two dicks at once? Yes. Them doing each other? No. I'd befriend a Gay guy in a heartbeat...I have "hag" tendencies, lol...but, I want my man to be strictly clitty.

My thing is...what happens if he gets "enamored" with this other dude (hypothetically speaking)? I can't give him what he's getting with dude...anymore than a man can truly understand what makes some women prefer other women over them. What happens when he needs that prostate tapped in a way I can't do? What happens when he prefers the roughness of  a man over my feminine softness? The day my tits become superfluous to him and my vadge becomes a turn off. "Eww...slits!"  LOL

So, no...they'll be no stick fights in my bedroom.

EFF EFF EFF YOU!

I want to EFF EFF EFF you!

I want to be your best friend. Tell me anything. Tell me what scares you, pleases you, disappoints you, makes you feel badly...how I can embed me deeply into your heart. I want to party with you, bathe with you, laugh with you, clean with you (you wax on...I'll wax off)...I want to be the one you come to before anyone because whether it infuriates you, brings you glee or brings stinging tears to the corners of your eyes...I want to be the one you think of first...even if it's me that has caused those feelings. I want to make you laugh so hard, that you accidentally on purpose pee a little. lol. That you laugh yourself into a place that only I can take you. I want to talk about nothing...nothing at all. I want to watch sports and root against your wack ass team and then be a team when the game is over (24...10...HUT). lmao

I want to love on you long time! I want to lick you up and down...til you say stop! I want to play with your body baby...make you real hot! I want to be YOUR exclusive, indoor/outdoor, do it where we wanna when the fire sparks, no one ever had it like YOU get it...freak. I want for you to push buttons I didn't know of...I want to push the ones you're scared for others to find. I want to practice Tantra and bring about tsunamis of pleasure...induced by orgasms that begin in your spirit and bust through the frame of your mind and body borders. Can we be connected in silence...still...no moving...just throbbing? You catching tune to the harmony of me and I reading the poetry of you? How about...I just want for us to meet each other's needs at least MOST of the time...and in between...

I wanna feed you. Cook the meals your mama made...but better. I want to spoon feed, hand feed, and offer you food from my lips. I want to get in the kitchen and whip something up that makes you wanna take the booty RIGHT there...in the middle of it all. ha! I want to prepare love for you on a plate, served with dedication and loyalty...a piece of peace, with some sensual sexy sweet...stirred right in.

I want to feed your mind, spirit, body...I want to feed your needs and desires...I want to feed your silly, your smart, your worker bee, your family love...I want to EFF EFF EFF YOU!

...and GOOD! ;)