|The pic that got me into inbox trouble recently|
I was kicking around my kitchen this morning...making pancakes and coffee. As usual, this is when my mind starts clicking...well, my mind is ALWAYS clicking...but, there are triggers for moments when I get my best ideas. Showering is one (I talk in the shower, shhh don't tell nobody). Walking is another. I KNOW someone has looked at me and prayed to God I had a Bluetooth piece in my ear. lol ...the others are cooking and cleaning. Today it was both...
As I washed dishes to prepare my breakfast...it hit me out of nowhere. Meaning...before this thought, there was no provocation for me to be in thought about love and relationships. It's the fault of my Ascendant's influence...that dang planet Uranus with it's flashes of ideas and inspiration.
I realized that back when I first made my entry onto the Internet...it was about 2001. I was in the tail-end of a relationship that was emotionally, verbally, mentally...abusive all around. I was home with family by 2002. In 2001...I did the basics. I researched fun things, educational things, trivia and facts. I interacted in the occasional chat room, but mostly just IM with family and friends. My TRUE entry into the social media scene was around 2004/2005. I began interacting with people via AOL...and then eventually, MySpace.
MySpace...the place where I learned how to post graphics on people's pages in lieu of greetings. The place where I learned about relationship drama. The place where I learned to "blog" in the way of posting my thoughts. Then there was Yahoo 360...a now defunct social site that truly brought out the blogger in me. It's where I shared my poetry, my feelings, where I began writing erotica and where I fell in love. By then...it was 2006 and I'd already experienced an Internet loon...who was being two people. One with me and one with my own sister. At some point, he became harassing and we even wondered if he was as far away as he said he was. ::shivers::
I began mixing my pancake batter. I'd already begun making my coffee and the griddle was heating. I was whisking and talking aloud. "That is where I learned to share myself blindly...no thought process as to whether the person was trustworthy. Just e-sharing myself with potential lunatics..."
I began to see a lot of what has become commonplace in this age of fast and blind information. I saw how even though the Internet has played Cupid successfully, and even brought people their best friends and reunions with long-lost family...it's flip side is dark and precarious.
I realized that because "meeting" someone has changed from bumping into them in the store...to bypassing someone in conversation on a mutual friend's Facebook page...we're disconnected. Even while connecting...we're disconnected. We're desensitized to the concept of intimacy and tangibility. Tangibility, believe it or not is a factor in personal responsibility and accountability. If someone doesn't see someone in their daily brick and mortar...they at times can dismiss them callously without considering their impact. I've done it. I'm sure I have. It's inevitable that whilst on this "thing"...we learn to "delete" and "block" instead of confront and deal. We learn to text body shots and body parts...instead of being in someone's personal space and allowing someone to undress you properly. We learn to require proof, that someone is who they say they are...but, also require videos and cam shows to sate our instant desires. Sometimes without properly introducing ourselves and figuring out who someone is on the inside. If they have body issues or not. If they're religious and against such shows of physicality. Before knowing someone...we've already required pics, vids and cam time. I also realized that I came into the discovery of social media at a very tender time in my life. The last place a formerly abused woman, still working on building up her self-esteem, love and worth needed to be...was on the Internet. Bouncing, flailing and struggling in the shark-infested waters of booty call central. Where people can pretend to be whomever they like. Where they can pretend to have what it takes to love you...or hell, even visit you. I shouldn't have been here then...but, then that's not true. I was exactly where I needed to be to learn the lessons I did. It was either then or now. I'm glad it was then.
I was in the middle of plating my pancakes...butter sliding off, as I chased it with my fork's tines. I smell my coffee awaiting me and I am glad that I'm in the place I am. I'm grateful that I found my way BACK to being the woman who doesn't easily cave into a man's requests anymore. I did once. I thought that's what we do online. We get to know each other through the distance by giving each other something "to tide us over" until we meet. I've met no one. Not really. The ones I loved, I've never seen. Guess what? They preferred tangibility over the intangible infatuation attached to the idea of who I may be to them. I'm not even mad [anymore], but as I navigate my way out of my 30's and stand on the precipice of 40...I understand who I am in totality.
I sit here...pancakes gone, coffee cold and typing this...proud that I sent that dude from yesterday OUT of my damn inbox. He befriended me a few weeks ago because our mutual friend shared my pic on her page. I was bombarded with all of the "OMG you're so beautifuls" "GOOD LORD...what it must feel like to lie in your arms"...and I cringed. I cringed in embarrassment for him...that he was doing what he'd learned to do via the Internet. The place where you're asked perpetually, "What's on your mind?". The place where you can commentate willy-nilly on people's lives, looks and likes without considering if your opinion is asked, required or respected.
I felt badly for him for that SPLIT second before I told his ass that I don't do videos or pics...especially for someone I don't know. I also nicely asked him to speak to me using my name and not "baby", "dear", or any other term of endearment...for he SURELY cannot be endeared to me simply because he thinks I'm beautiful.
What the Internet taught me...is that just because everyone's doing it and it's socially and widely acceptable...doesn't mean you should do it. It doesn't work for everyone. I'm a woman who requires touch, consideration, respect and who longs to be cherished by someone who couldn't care less about my online persona. I've learned, that I could teach the Internet a thing or two. ;)
I also realized...the thoughts didn't come from "nowhere". It was sitting right there...underneath my skin like a rash. I'm glad I could get it out. Sheesh. I can relax now. lol